- Drug addiction is a disease that should be treated with compassion and understanding...unless the addict is a Conservative talk show host.
- The United States should be subservient to the United Nations. Our highest authority is not God and the U.S. Constitution, but a collective of tinpot dictators (and their appeasers) and the U.N. charter.
- Government should relax drug laws regardless of the potential for abuse, but should pass new and unConstitutional anti-gun laws because of the potential for abuse.
- Calls for increased security after a terrorist attack are “political opportunism,” but calls for more gun control after a criminal’s spree killing is “a logical solution.”
- “It Takes a Village” means everything you want it to mean...except creeping socialist government involvement in the nuclear family.
- Disarming innocent, law-abiding citizens helps protect them from evil, lawless terrorists and other thugs.
- Slowly killing an unborn innocent by tearing it apart limb from limb is good. Slowly killing an innocent disabled woman by starving her to death is good. Quickly killing terrorists, convicted murderers and rapists is BAD.
- Every religion should be respected and promoted in public schools the name of diversity, so long as that religion isn’t Christianity.
- The best way to support our troops is to criticize their every move. This will let them know they’re thought of often.
- Sexual harassment, groping and drug use are degenerate if you’re the governor of California, but it’s okay if you’re the President of the United States.
- Sex education should be required so that teens can make informed choices about sex, but gun education should be banned because it will turn those same teens into maniacal mass-murderers.
- Minorities are blameless for the hatred of the racist; women are blameless for the hatred of the rapist; but America is entirely at fault for the hatred of Islamofascists.
- Poverty is the cause of all terrorism...which is why the leaders of al Qaeda are typically U.S.-educated and were raised in wealth and luxury.
- The Patriot Act is a horrific compromise of Constitutional rights, but anti-Second Amendment laws and Franklin Roosevelt’s Presidential Order 9066 must be regarded “reasonable precautions.”
- We should unquestioningly honor the wishes of our age-old allies, even when said allies no longer act like our allies and have vested economic interests in propping up our enemies.
- Socialized medicine is the ideal. Nevermind all those people who spend every dime they have to get to the United States so they can get quality medical care...that their nation’s socialized health care can’t provide.
- Michael Moore, Noam Chomsky and Natalie Maines are perfectly qualified to criticize our leadership, but Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charlton Heston, and Dennis Miller are just ignorant political hacks.
- John Lott’s research on how gun ownership reduces crime is junk science, but Michael Bellesiles is still an authority on why gun control is good (even though he was forced to resign from Emory due to research misconduct over his book “Arming America”).
- Bush’s toppling the Saddam regime was a “diversion,” but Clinton’s lobbing a couple of cruise missiles at Iraq in the thick of the Lewinsky sex scandal was “sending a message.”
- A president who lies under oath is okay, but a president who references sixteen words from an allies’ intelligence report should be dragged through the streets naked.
- Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning Second Amendment rights and shopping the courts for judges sympathetic to causes that wouldn’t pass in any legislature.
- “The People” in the First Amendment means The People; “the People” in the Fourth Amendment means The People; “the People” in the Ninth Amendment means The People; “the People” in the Tenth Amendment means The People; but “the People” in the Second Amendment (ratified in 1791) means the National Guard (created by an Act of Congress in 1903).
- You support a woman’s “right to choose” to kill her unborn child, but don’t believe that same woman is competent enough to homeschool the children she bears.
- Proven draft-dodging is irrelevant, but baseless claims of AWOL status is crucial to national security.
- Threatening to boycott Dr. Laura’s and Rush Limbaugh’s advertisers is exercising Freedom of Speech, but threatening to boycott CBS’s “The Reagans” and Liberal actors over their asinine anti-American remarks is censorship and McCarthyist blacklisting.
- You fervently believe that rabidly referring to your political opponent as an “idiot” is a good idea...even after that “idiot” whipped your ass in the 2000 and 2004 elections.
- Everyone must unquestioningly support a junior senator with negligible political experience for president. ’Cause, like, if you don’t, well...dude, you’re a racist!
- All cultures must be treated as equal. This is why we have to make excuses for Muslims when they riot, rape and slaughter, but vilify Christians when they organize letter writing campaigns.
- America can only be great if it raises taxes, punishes the successful, rewards the lazy, creates bigger government, and funds more socialist programs. It worked for the Soviet Union, right?
- Being against illegal immigration is racist. Nevermind that illegal isn’t a race.
- Global warming is caused by humans burning fossil fuels, which is why the Ice Age ended a mere 10,000 years before the invention of the internal combustion engine.
- Everyone has the right to disagree, but only with Republicans.
- The only way to be a “real American” is to hate everything America stands for.
- The only unbiased media is the European media, but only because they hate the United States of America even more than the liberal media in the U.S.
- Congress must create a “Fairness Doctrine” to counter the commercial success of conservative talk radio and the resounding failure of Air America. (Nevermind that we already have a government-subsidized liberal mouthpiece called National Public Radio.)
- Any Republican who sides with Democrats should be instantly assigned the role of “leading Republican” in all media reports. This position is immediately forfeited the moment said Republican starts acting like an American again.
- The pseudoscience of "global warming" must be unquestioningly accepted because a consensus of scientists say it's real. Nevermind that there was also once a consensus among scientists that the Earth was flat, the Sun revolved around the Earth, and that caucasians were genetically superior to all other races.
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